LDR to NDR to NR!

Some of you may have noticed that I haven’t contributed very much to Best Gay Blogs over the last few weeks, of course some of you have far to busy life’s to have noticed such a silly thing like that, and I don’t blame you one little bit.

Back on 10th September I wrote a feature on Long Distance Relationships here on The Best Gay Blogs site. It explored the rise of LDR’s that are becoming more common place as our globe gets smaller and smaller. I share my thoughts and desires for my very own LDR with Matt, the American guy I’d met and fallen head over heals, 101% prime time in love with. Yes there was over 4300 miles between us, but we’d find away, he came to England for six months, I’d live Stateside for three, we were going to have three months apart while I cleared up things in England and got my US visa. Then happy ever after we’d be, living and loving in the American dream, our LDR would become just a NDR or no distance relationship!

OK, I’m guessing you don’t need me to tell you that happy ever after only ever exists in fairytales, the real world aint so easy, aint so comfortable and real life doesn’t always go according to plan, things can and do go wrong. What went wrong in this case was that Matt, the other half of this terrific twosome, decided the distance was too great, that he didn’t love me, or at least not as much as he did and he wanted to live his life without me – of which he told me in an email and that was that.

I jumped aboard a passing Boeing 777, ahh and when I say passing, I mean it was heading vaguely in the right direction, if you can call Toronto, Canada the right direction to Southern Illinois ! Almost 22 hours later and a £1000 lighter in the wallet department there I was in America, sweaty, smelly and completely exhausted. I’d booked into a motel for the first night so I could go and shower and rest before going to find the man of my dreams, who had no idea I was coming! Seriously, he didn’t respond to any of the multitude of calls, texts or emails, so what’s a guys supposed to do – send a carrier pigeon?

Next morning I crossed the high way from my hotel and remembered as I transverse the 6 lanes of traffic you American’s don’t cross roads like that! Anyway, I wanted to get a little gift to break the ice with Matt, so to the mall go I had too. Now imagine my shock and surprise, delight and freight when then right there in front of me sitting in his bright red car in the massive parking lot was Matt. He Didn’t know I was gonna be there and I didn’t know he was gonna be there, I’m not sure who was most shocked, scared he or I, it wasn’t the homecoming reunion I’d mentally been planning the whole way across the Atlantic, nor down from the frozen north.

We spoke, briefly, he had to rush off to class, something about a test, but the look on his face, like he’d seen a ghost, the anger in his eyes when he asked “What are you doing here?” hurt me more than a thousand words and more than a white hot lance through the heart, more than he’ll ever know, more than I’ll ever tell. I pretty much knew then, looking into those eyes of pure hatred that everything was over, that there was no future, I only half believed it when he said he’d come round after he’d finished university and then work.

I waited in that smelly hotel room, all night I stayed awake, wondering if he’d show, if he’d call, if he could or would explain, but nope, not a thing. I tried calling him, tried emailing, but nothing. I stayed at that hotel for 4 nights and on the last one he called, it wasn’t a long call, he seemed angry that I was over in America, he wouldn’t see me, he wouldn’t talk face to face and he wouldn’t explain anything, just that he no longer loved me as much, that he needed to concentrate on him for a while and that was about it. He threatened me with the police, if I tried to show up at the apartment (I still have a photo of the view as my wallpaper on the laptop, wasn’t a great view, but I loved it) He said the thing he most wanted was me to leave him alone, which tore so much at the very soul of what used to be, I just had to put the phone down.

I then changed hotels, but to be honest the next four days were sent in numb half dead stance, I was there, but elsewhere was my mind, which is pretty much the state it’s been for a long while, and that dear friends is the reason I have been away from Best Gay Blogs and the whole blog world in general. I’ve had to reorder my life, get over the hardship of having the future taken away from me, or at least what I thought was going to be my happy ever after. I’ve had to grieve for the life I would have had with him and to a great or lesser degree him. There were times, long dark times when I didn’t want to carry on, not with anything, it really did strike me that hard. But hey, I guess we all feel like that some times, plus we have to move on and I don’t wanna get the reputation for being a dull moaning old drama queen from England! Hey, perhaps that would be a better title for my blog than the Seafront Diaries ?   So  we’ve gone from a LDR  to a NDR  then for a brief moment to an LDR again,  but now,  well  it’s turned into a NR  or non relationship

Anyway, expect a lot more words from me, here on Best Gay Blogs, I’m back and back to stay, I am over the worst of it, as they say one step at a time, onwards and upwards and to infinity and beyond. (OK so they don’t say that last one, which I stole from Buzz Light-year, but hey, don’t shoot me!)  If you wanna share some love, hate, comments, advice, kick up the ass,  then  please feel oh so very free and do it.

Jason Shaw getting over a break up for the first time that he didn’t initiate  or want.