No Grey, Just Red!
March 16, 2010 by Jason Shaw
More tales from our very own English eccentric, Jason Shaw. You know him, he’s the one that writes all those stories, the one that was a DJ, the one that was told he was camp by one Mr Crisp! Growing older day by day, English style!
Today, my crotch is seriously sore! I mean seriously! OK, so that may be a tad more information that you wanted to hear right now, perhaps you just popped by to hear a lil bit of gossip or a snagget of news or a funky photo of one of the Seafront Fans. But there you are confronted by a statement of fact on the state of my lower portions. I’m sorry, but, if you know anything about this blog, you’ll know that, I’m honest, painfully honest and to the point. And right now the point is my crotch is a throbbing seething mass of soreness!
First of all, it was a little on the sore side, because after the unwanted appearance of a grey hair in the downstairs man-garden the other week and the following rapid intervention of razor blades, the playing field was bare. However, as everyone knows, unless you keep cutting the lawn, the grass grows back, which is what’s going on downstairs. It’s as itchy as an itchy thing, the hair has grown to stubble length and that makes it itchy and sore and a right pain!
That could have been that, but for some silly reason, this morning I woke with a buzz in my body. Nope I’d not accidentally turned on my rampant rabbit during the night, but I felt buzzy inside. The weather was fine, so clear and bright, yes cold but, it’s a taste of sun, which to be honest, is a bit of a novelty for me. Anyway, I knew I just had to do something and like a cast member from Glee, I sprung into action, bounded and danced my way downstairs. I was alive, I was fruity and buzzy, as I think I may have already said. I got me bike gear out, got me gloves on, wrapped myself up, went outside and out the gate. My mind puzzled a little bit, then I realised I’d forgotten the bike. So after I retrieved the bike, I set off down the road heading south, east, north, west, OK, so I’m not 100% sure which direction I was heading, well I kinda did, I mean, I know I wasn’t going south, after all, I’m in Brighton, you can’t really go south from here, not without getting ya feet wet! And I know north is heading towards the hills, up country, towards London and I wasn’t going that way. Anyway, I think I was heading west, from west Hove, passed Portslade, Fishersgate, Southwick, round Shoreham then up to Bramber and all the way back!.
This was my first little ride of the winter, I say little, it’s about 20 miles in total round trip. Now, at this time, a few hours later, I really wish I’d woken up without a buzz, that I’d woken up in a grouchy mood, a mood where all I wanted to do was wrap myself up in my duvet and snuggle on the sofa. For, if I’d been like that, my arse would not be saddle sore, my right leg would not be swollen round the knee, and my crutch would not be chaffed red sodding raw! I’m not always great at giving advice, sometimes it’s a bit wishy washy, but if you never take advice from me ever again, take this little snogette – Do not ever cycle when you’ve got re-growth going on in the undercrackers department. Don’t do it, the resulting stubble rash ain’t clever, but it sure is big, it sure is red and it sure is sore!!!!
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