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Is It Cheating?

admin — Sat, 06 Nov 2010 17:47:56 +0000

Well, I’m doomed! Did I just cheat on JC? I think so. Now, I am full of guilt and clueless. I have been with JC over a month now, but the relationship thing just does not seem to go toward what I expected. But I still like him. He’s very nice, pure, and cute. But there I was, meeting a new guy that just moved from California.

Find out more at the source: Another M4M Blog!

Held Hostage!

admin — Thu, 04 Nov 2010 17:55:06 +0000

There comes a point in every relationship when you have to stop and think whether you’re in love with the guy, or if he’s holding your heart hostage.

Ever been there? Read more at: I Shaved My Ass for This?

Back in the Saddle

admin — Mon, 02 Aug 2010 14:48:37 +0000

Chances are, you’ve been there before. In this day and age, it doesn’t much matter if you’re gay or straight, most of us have been in a long-term relationship (5 or more years) that has ended, then as swiftly as it started, it became part of our past, which leaves us in what can be a very odd place, the place of having to date again.

The blog featured here is about one man’s struggles, triumphs and experiences as he learns how to date after a ten year relationship.

According to the blog:

After more than a decade in a relationship, I’m dating again. In the age of text messaging, Facebook, Grindr, and Gay.com profiles, I should say, I’m learning how to date all over again. What I’m learning is chronicled here.

Read about it at: Breaking Boy News!

Unnecessary Drama

admin — Sat, 19 Jun 2010 21:54:41 +0000

So I’m currently in this slump. I recently ‘lost’ for a lack of better words, someone who I considered a best friend. No, he didn’t pass away but rather started some very unnecessary drama to the point where I figured it would be best to part ways. I’m surprised how evil people can really be.

Read more at: Call Me a Dreamer!

Taking Control

admin — Mon, 12 Apr 2010 14:54:02 +0000

The funny part is as soon as I quit talking to my ex, things seriously took a turn for the better. I just got into a bachelors of nursing program and I start classes on tuesday. I’ve never been more excited for anything in my life. And the best part is now I don’t have to worry about my ex as I sit in class. I have no distractions at all. Not only that, but my financial aid covered all of the costs plus I get VA benefits every month… not to mention, they said they could help me find a part time job at a hospital. All in all, i’ll be making $1500 a month and yet I won’t be paying rent or anything. I can go back to my old lifestyle of not looking at price tags. I should be done with the nursing program in a year and a half since my credits transfer from my old college. And then after that, I can pretty much work anywhere since just about every hospital in the US needs nurses. I was thinking of moving to Colorado… hmmmm or maybe Seattle.

Need a little help in the “getting over him” department? Read what else they have to say at: Confessions of a Gay Drama Queen!

A Ride Through Past Darkness

Jason Shaw — Sun, 11 Apr 2010 11:03:05 +0000

It’s the bane of a long distance runners life, or so they say. No I’m not talking of blisters nor cracked heels, but I am referring to the thoughts that swirl around the brain, that cause the greatest pain, consternation and contemplation.

It’s true, when in exercise causes semi isolation, things like running, as Torchy said on his blog the other day, it’s a lonely sport, it’s when then mind and more so the memory becomes over active. Alone with ones thoughts, for a long period of time can indeed be, well, risky. I don’t run, like Torchy, the metal in the right leg, I fear would clink and clunk way too much. Besides, Torchy is training for the marathon, which either makes him incredibly brave or utterly stupid, depending on your particular point of view. I’m in training for……well nothing to be honest, at least not yet – more details to follow though, on what could be the cycling adventure of the year – for me at least!

Cycling is equally isolating, insular, lonely as running, yes outside influences are all around, but ultimately one is alone with ones own thoughts. Which was the state of actuality coming back from Worthing yesterday, I was feeling the heat, the sweat was moist on my brow and with the wonder of randomness that is my mind, I thought of nothing else but ex’s!

Yes, the ex files of my brain must have short circuited from their dusty archive home to become current, recent and the present. It was almost shocking at how rapidly their faces, personalities, attributes and in some cases, failings, filled my mind with such detail. Thing’s I’d long since thought I’d forgotten came flooding back in vibrant and scary technicolour!

The American, you’ll be pleased to note, didn’t feature at all, no this really was ‘face’ of the past. In some cases, very very distance past, so far back that the world was in black and white and before mobile phone technology hadn’t gotten passed a bag for the battery the side of a suitcase! A time when Policeman could still clip you round the ear, when milk came in big glass bottles, when Britain had a mining industry! Indeed, as my legs forced the peddles and the wheels round, my mind travelled back to my first boyfriend, the first serious relationship, the first passioned break up. The first taste of love, the bitter sweet emotion, so raw comprehension is thrown out of the window. Yes, the times, where experience hasn’t dimmed the excitement nor eased the pain, reigned in the expectations or added the reality aspect to dreams!

Long dead memories, dormant for months, years and in some cases decades came back in a torrent as if they had happened last week. There was Simon, his wild mass of blond hair – well it was the 80′s, his so wide eyes and those long limbs, very long limbs! Man that boy was tall, if the memory is correct, he was all of 6 foot 6 inches, that’s a whole foot taller than myself! Gosh, what a funny couple we must have made, we loved each other, I’m sure we did. We were together, an item, for three, four years, maybe even longer, I’m not sure now. I’m can’t even be certain, how we split and who instigated it, some details have withered and died in the memory banks of Shaw! We kept in touch for a while, last thing I know he was working for a radio station up north! I wish him well, we worked hard to get him in the industry.

There was a David, a Jon and another John and an Aaron, all relationships, all boys that at one time or another filled my life as now they filled my mind. Flashing passed, as I cycled along, beside the sea, the wind gusting at my hair, the bitter taste of salt on my lips. I remember them all, yes I do, all with fondness, I parted on good terms with them all, at the very least I think I did. Though thinking back, with Jon, we were never really an item, just casually seeing each other, pretty much every weekend for the best part of a year! You know, it was that kind of casual!

As I peddled in the present, the wheels of my mind turned to that exact afternoon when it changed, when I uttered a few words that halted those casual weekends, of frantic sex and fast rides. He’d got pizza, we sat to eat, cross legged on the floor, I gazed at him, my heart went zing and I uttered “I really think I’m falling in love with you” I have no idea where it came from, I had no intention of saying it, love was, not ever discussed, it wasn’t something I’d even contemplated with him. However, now that it was out, the air chilled around me, I could feel that chill the other day. That was the last casual weekend of fun for Jon and I. That night the sex was less frantic, less passionate, more lasting, more needing, ultimately less rewarding!

This blog, like the thoughts that fluttered through my mind, are not in any chronological order, but I guess that matters not, at least to me it doesn’t. Memories are funny things like that, you can’t choose them, they are just there, in your head, one lighting the touch paper to the next and so on and so forth.

I thought of the boy who fell in love with me before I even knew his last name. He was so pretty, the face of a model, I remember it now. He bought me gold, to have and to hold, yet I was thinking this was just for fun, no pressure, just pleasure, a summer fling of summer fun. I hope I let him down gently, I told him that I was allergic to gold, it made me itch and scratch. I never knew if he got a refund, I hope so, bling was expensive in those days. Although I kept the copy of the Tom Cruise and Bryan Brown movie ‘Cocktail’ he gave me, on VHS!

There were many others, names and faces flashed before my eyes, memories of times passed, when I was a callow youth, a vibrant normal outrageous twenty something and heading to the abyss that is the thirties – years, not the decade! There were those men of the moment, upon my lips, those names will not pass, but there was one of two of those, that creases my face with lines of laughter and smiles.

I passed a sign for a computer store, which caused the memories of the boy with the flash job in IT, to cascade like falling dominoes into my mind, although back then of course, it wasn’t called IT, something very different, I can’t even remember what. He was clever and smart, we’d met in Heaven, the London nightclub not the place that ‘gods’ in charge of! He picked me up, in those days, I didn’t have to work hard, I used to get lots of drinks bought for me. I had youth and cheek on my side, I also know when to use it, or when to flash those tummy muscles, before the phrase 6pac had been invented!

Anyway he lived in central London and the morning after the night before, he was walking back though Hyde Park, after breakfast when he turned to me and said “You know you really are good looking” such a sweet thing to say, however with the arrogance of youth I replied “So you’ve only just noticed!” We had a few weekends away, Blackpool, the Lake District, that sort of thing. I think I got bored, maybe be did too, I think I still have some photographs of him, some place, in a dark crevice, like these memories used to be!

Ed came back into my head, he was a long term lover, I’m surprised at how we lasted, we had very different temperaments, but work it we did, for a few years. We ‘came to the end of the road of our relationship’ that’s how we parted, he said those words, but I agreed wholeheartedly. It was pain, guilt and anger free and friends, we stayed, which is the best one can hope for, in the situation.

Thinking back, I’ve parted on pretty good terms with pretty much all my ex’s, at least I think I have, with the odd exception, here and there, perhaps to keep me grounded. Or indeed to fuel the torch song writer’s tendencies I seem to have established.

I was nearing Shoreham I recall, when the last and most poignant member of the ex files entered my head. I smiled as my eyes looked out over the ever rolling sea, yet in my mind I saw his smiling face again, his sweet youthful smile. The smile of the boy, that could have been here today, had I not let him go, to fly free, live life, make his own mistakes.

I paused my ride, gazed from the waters edge, out to the horizon, as far as my sight reached and I thought about him. I was older and he was younger, a college guy, a sweet and devoted young man, who with a passion and charm rocked my life for a while. At times I felt I was the teacher and he’d come to school, I was his first relationship, I was an old hand at such and he just a novice. I had wisdom, he had hope, I offered realism, he gave dreams. He was ever such a devoted boyfriend, lover and friend, I remember how he walked five miles each way, every day when I was in hospital with a broken back, he gave me pure unconditional love, oh so pure, passionate and fresh. I gave him…..?

The salt in the sea wind stung my face, I blinked back tears, I could at that moment and even now, see his eyes, looking right into mine, as if looking into my soul, my very inner being. I loved him, I really did, but I had to set him free, at least that’s what I thought at the time, when I told him that he needed to live some, to live and be free, experience things, learn things first hand. He did so, he left, I’d set him free.

Now as the hands of time press upon my life, I wonder where his is, what he’s doing? If he’s happy? How he’s getting on with this thing called life? I wonder if the freedom I gave him was the freedom he wanted and as I believed at the time, needed? I suppose, I will always wonder if I did the right thing?

Jason Shaw, a master of memory, a legend in his own lunchtime and a man on a mission (Only he still doesn’t know what it is!) Catch up www.seafrontdiary.com

© 2010 Copyright Jason Shaw

A View Fom the Other Side

Jason Shaw — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 11:02:11 +0000

It’s strange what you learn, when you least expect it, gayagenda.com’s UK correspondent and top blogger from England, tells how sometimes it a view from ‘outside the box’ that tells how it really is!

The other night saw me working with a colleague from the ‘other side’ a fellow night shifter, a worker in the after dark hours, but one from the opposing shift, so she’s working when I’m off and vice versa, so we don’t get to work with each other very often, although I did used to work on that side of the nights. It was a indeed a pleasure to work with her again, it was like a breath of fresh air and the hours flew by so quickly it was morning before I knew it.

As we don’t often see each other, she asked questions, one of which really made me think, she asked if I was over Matt yet? A pretty normal and expected question, simple, matter of fact and direct. I thought for a moment and affirmed that I was indeed over him, over that relationship and put it all behind me.

It was only later that something came to me like a surge of electricity that tingled every fiber of my being. Yep, when I was looking on the net at the Illinois real estate agent website, from who I was going to buy that Marion house from, you know that house for me and him. Anyway, it was no longer on the website or in the listings, so I can only assume it had been sold, so I couldn’t show my colleagues where I’d planned, dreamed and desired to live. I couldn’t show them the kitchen where, I’d have baked cakes and fixed dinners. I couldn’t show them the front porch where we’d sit and chat and review the sunset. I couldn’t show them the garden or yard, that by English standards would be massive, yet by American ones would be small.

It then, like a comforting warm blanket on a cold winters day that a realisation swept up through me that I had indeed gotten over Matt. But further more, I had, as they say, built that particular bridge and gotten over it a long time ago.

My mind emptied a little, my heart sighed with relief when I realised that it wasn’t Matt, that I wasn’t over, but the life I would have lived, had things been different. I suddenly knew that, him, that silly boy, he was consigned to the past, but it was America itself, that I was missing. It was that little taste of life that I had in the apartment in Carterville, the tiny slice of the American dream I sampled that was tugging at the strings of my heart. It wasn’t him, that boy that I longed for, that stole sleep from my nights, that forced water from these eyes of mine. It was the place, the apartment, the stores, the weather, the fast food, the space, the wide skies, the heat, the lifestyle, the cheesecakes as big as your head, the low cost of living, the wide open spaces, the noisy animals, the red birds, the freedom.

Jason had gotten over the boy he loved ages ago, but the thing that had been bringing him down was the loss of the dream of the life that he would have known. That American dream was supposed to be mine, yes, I was homesick, yes I missed the ability to walk places, the sea, god did I miss the sea big time while I was over there. But, when he slammed shut the door on our relationship, he also ended a fresh start. That’s what I was mourning, not him, but the lifestyle, that I should have had. It finally dawned on me, then, there, in the office, whilst looking at cheep houses, in southern Illinois. Yes, you can say it took a long time coming, a very long time, but now that it has, now that I know it’s not Matt that I miss, but Yankee life, I feel like an invisible weight has been lifted off my back and Jason can get one with things, life can move on, perhaps now it’s time to address the feeling of homelessness, perhaps it’s time to explore where the present will lead the future to be?

A summer view, from the apartment, I mourn the loss!

Jason’s blog The Seafront Diaries true life tales from Brighton, England’s very own gaytropolis. Telling stories of going into the age of middle with eyes wide open!

The Dating Closet

James — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 15:11:46 +0000

Coming out is a process that appears to be easy for some men but also difficult for some other men. The real question is can you date someone that is still in the closet?

A friend said to me once that he would not date anyone that is still in the closet. He would also not date a guy that is “half in and out.” Not to mention, someone that goes to gay club still is not out enough for him to go out with.

I agree to the point that it is not easy to date someone that is very much in the closet. One that is afraid of this and that when it comes to public exposure even when there are no people around. What is your take on that?

Let them know at: Another M4M Blog!

Three’s Company

James — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 11:00:11 +0000

After any break, you feel the need for validation. You want to know you are still attractive…you are still desired…well at least I do. Some have comfort foods, take drugs and alcohol. I have random sex….internet hook ups…and use sex to try and get intimacy. It’s fun yet it leaves me empty. After each break up, I go back to my regular f*ck buddies.

On Friday night, I met hungboy. He had been messaging me all last week. I had not seen him in over 3 years. He’s aged but is always a lot of fun. He gets very into it and I can tell that he’s very attracted to me. I’m not that attracted to him but I enjoy someone else getting very turned on. I always prefer to give more in sex…for me giving is a sign of being a good lover. Giving pleasure can be hot.

More at: Single in the City!

LDR to NDR to NR!

Jason Shaw — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 11:12:21 +0000

Some of you may have noticed that I haven’t contributed very much to Best Gay Blogs over the last few weeks, of course some of you have far to busy life’s to have noticed such a silly thing like that, and I don’t blame you one little bit.

Back on 10th September I wrote a feature on Long Distance Relationships here on The Best Gay Blogs site. It explored the rise of LDR’s that are becoming more common place as our globe gets smaller and smaller. I share my thoughts and desires for my very own LDR with Matt, the American guy I’d met and fallen head over heals, 101% prime time in love with. Yes there was over 4300 miles between us, but we’d find away, he came to England for six months, I’d live Stateside for three, we were going to have three months apart while I cleared up things in England and got my US visa. Then happy ever after we’d be, living and loving in the American dream, our LDR would become just a NDR or no distance relationship!

OK, I’m guessing you don’t need me to tell you that happy ever after only ever exists in fairytales, the real world aint so easy, aint so comfortable and real life doesn’t always go according to plan, things can and do go wrong. What went wrong in this case was that Matt, the other half of this terrific twosome, decided the distance was too great, that he didn’t love me, or at least not as much as he did and he wanted to live his life without me – of which he told me in an email and that was that.

I jumped aboard a passing Boeing 777, ahh and when I say passing, I mean it was heading vaguely in the right direction, if you can call Toronto, Canada the right direction to Southern Illinois ! Almost 22 hours later and a £1000 lighter in the wallet department there I was in America, sweaty, smelly and completely exhausted. I’d booked into a motel for the first night so I could go and shower and rest before going to find the man of my dreams, who had no idea I was coming! Seriously, he didn’t respond to any of the multitude of calls, texts or emails, so what’s a guys supposed to do – send a carrier pigeon?

Next morning I crossed the high way from my hotel and remembered as I transverse the 6 lanes of traffic you American’s don’t cross roads like that! Anyway, I wanted to get a little gift to break the ice with Matt, so to the mall go I had too. Now imagine my shock and surprise, delight and freight when then right there in front of me sitting in his bright red car in the massive parking lot was Matt. He Didn’t know I was gonna be there and I didn’t know he was gonna be there, I’m not sure who was most shocked, scared he or I, it wasn’t the homecoming reunion I’d mentally been planning the whole way across the Atlantic, nor down from the frozen north.

We spoke, briefly, he had to rush off to class, something about a test, but the look on his face, like he’d seen a ghost, the anger in his eyes when he asked “What are you doing here?” hurt me more than a thousand words and more than a white hot lance through the heart, more than he’ll ever know, more than I’ll ever tell. I pretty much knew then, looking into those eyes of pure hatred that everything was over, that there was no future, I only half believed it when he said he’d come round after he’d finished university and then work.

I waited in that smelly hotel room, all night I stayed awake, wondering if he’d show, if he’d call, if he could or would explain, but nope, not a thing. I tried calling him, tried emailing, but nothing. I stayed at that hotel for 4 nights and on the last one he called, it wasn’t a long call, he seemed angry that I was over in America, he wouldn’t see me, he wouldn’t talk face to face and he wouldn’t explain anything, just that he no longer loved me as much, that he needed to concentrate on him for a while and that was about it. He threatened me with the police, if I tried to show up at the apartment (I still have a photo of the view as my wallpaper on the laptop, wasn’t a great view, but I loved it) He said the thing he most wanted was me to leave him alone, which tore so much at the very soul of what used to be, I just had to put the phone down.

I then changed hotels, but to be honest the next four days were sent in numb half dead stance, I was there, but elsewhere was my mind, which is pretty much the state it’s been for a long while, and that dear friends is the reason I have been away from Best Gay Blogs and the whole blog world in general. I’ve had to reorder my life, get over the hardship of having the future taken away from me, or at least what I thought was going to be my happy ever after. I’ve had to grieve for the life I would have had with him and to a great or lesser degree him. There were times, long dark times when I didn’t want to carry on, not with anything, it really did strike me that hard. But hey, I guess we all feel like that some times, plus we have to move on and I don’t wanna get the reputation for being a dull moaning old drama queen from England! Hey, perhaps that would be a better title for my blog than the Seafront Diaries ? So we’ve gone from a LDR to a NDR then for a brief moment to an LDR again, but now, well it’s turned into a NR or non relationship

Anyway, expect a lot more words from me, here on Best Gay Blogs, I’m back and back to stay, I am over the worst of it, as they say one step at a time, onwards and upwards and to infinity and beyond. (OK so they don’t say that last one, which I stole from Buzz Light-year, but hey, don’t shoot me!) If you wanna share some love, hate, comments, advice, kick up the ass, then please feel oh so very free and do it.

Jason Shaw getting over a break up for the first time that he didn’t initiate or want.